I remember the beginning like it was yesterday. You were so deeply into me. It scared me. I remember the first time you looked me in the eyes and said, "I think i'm falling in love with you." I thought, "This kid is INSANE" lol true story. But time past and we did fall in love. But not everything was perfect. We encountered a lot of road bumps. I still remember all the special occasions that never happened because you didn't care enough to make them special. Although they were long ago, I still havent forgotten.
More recently you've had to deal with my troubles from my past. I know that I should let my past be exactly that; the past. But in the end, I still haven't grown strong enough to get passed that stage in my life. That is a chapter in my book that I haven't completely ended. I know it's so unfair that you have to mend a heart that you didn't break. You've witness me completely lose all sanity because of it. I still remember the day I broke down. I told you that I was still hurt, that I can't trust anyone.. No one. Not even you. Sigh. I know you asked me not to do this. I know you say it isn't true but I will always blame myself because I feel I pushed you away.
sigh. we've been far from a perfect relationship. You've done things that even to this day i say to myself, "why did i forgive him for that?!" But i stop and think to myself, "Elvira, you aren't perfect either." I know all my friends have heard my side of the story. I think it's time everyone knows both sides.
I might be the most insecure person you know. I remember asking you to delete you ex girlfriend from facebook because it made me feel weird. I hated the fact that all her half naked pictures showed up on your feed. I swear I wanted to throw your laptop out the window sometimes. I hated that she was so much prettier than me. It eats me alive. It reminds of my ex. How he left me for someone that was better than me. sigh And i remember all the co-workers whose numbers I made you delete because of conversations you had that I didn't approve of. Really?! you don't tell your friends you love them. YOU JUST DONT! see.. never gonna let that one go. lol
I guess I was asking for that one. I am the one that digs and digs through your phone until I find dirt. lol funny thing about it all, you never once went through mine. Not even after all those numbers I made you delete. I thought, "he's gonna asked me to stop talking to every guy i've hooked up with" but not even then did you tell me that. you never questioned me. You never even bothered to dig through my stuff. I've given you complete access to all my social networks and even then, you don't go through them. I have to give it to you. I know a lot of people that would've used that to their advantage.
At the beginning of all of this you told me you needed space. You told me that you needed time for yourself. I wanted to see your point of view. You dedicated 3 years to just me. Not your friends or your cousins. Just me. You never broke plans with me to hang out with your friends. Even if we were doing absolutely nothing all day. You were happy just being with me.
I admit, I was selfish. I was upset when you recently started going out with your friends. I didn't bother hiding it. I made it clear to you that I was upset. I know I said you were free to do what you wanted, but you also knew you'd come back to angry girlfriend. So i said i would respect your decision and i would let you go out and live life.
I know that when i give my side of the story, i always play the victim. I guess that's normal. I try finding ways of making myself the one that's losing. the one that's hurt. I go so far as to dig some more, just to prove to myself that you're lying to me. This.. whatever this is right now. I told myself that you found someone else. The first girl that popped in the picture. I was all over it. I questioned you and went through everything i could find in order to find out what was really going on. yes, i know i'm crazy. yes, i am digging through everything. Like i said, I wanted answers and you kept hiding things from me. It didn't matter that this chick didn't fit your usual type. She was a chick. period.
We both know I have major trust issues. maybe the world doesn't see that but you do. You know it better than anyone. Every other conversation was me asking who she was and what she wanted. Every other comment was, "you're moving on" "your replacing me" "you're leading me on." I had living proof that you didn't respond to her comments and even then I didn't believe you.
I lost sight of what this break up was truly about. It's about you growing up. I ignored the fact that you were hurting without me in the picture. I ignored the fact that you can't function any better than me without each other. I ignored all those things you said about being afraid of losing me. I ignored the fact that you wanted me around as much as possible. All I saw was this chick that wouldn't get off your nuts. I didn't bother to see that you didn't feel the same for her. That you were hanging on to me the whole time. I ignored the fact that you still aren't completely sure of what you want; your freedom or me.
sigh. I know a lot of times I make it seem like everything you and I had was bad. That everything u ever did was wrong. That you never did anything good for me. In the end, you helped me grow. You told me that I could have whatever I wanted in life. To pursue my dreams of going into the film world. I was too scared to do it on my own but you told me that you believed in me and pushed me to take that extra step toward my dreams. I am a million time thankful for that.
Just dealing with my insecurities is hard enough. My jealousy at its best. You dealt with all of that. You dealt with me being controlling. You couldn't buy me all the material things i wanted but you repaid me with all your time and love. I had your full attention for 3 years. I think it's only fair that you focus on making yourself a better person now that you've made me a little better than i was 3 years ago....
