Now Playing -
Drake ft. Rihanna - Take care
I found myself asking how we got here again.. back to square one, where we started 3 1/2 yrs ago. Of course it isn't the same compared to when the feelings were new. Nonetheless, we are here again, trying to find a way to lock things down and make it official again. I remember the very beginning, how you didn't want to just be about the physical things, YOU wanted to make it official and I was scared to. Funny how we find ourselves in a similar situation again. At the beginning of this break up, you didn't want to try and fix it anymore, you gave up on it. Now you find yourself wanting to be with me and only me and I, once again, find myself not ready for it yet. I guess I feel so much happened during the 2 months we were broken up, and even though I've forgiven you for it, I can't say i've completely put it behind me like you have. I know you hate when I ask questions or bring it up. I can tell you are beyond done with the topic but I needed to understand what brought us back here.
I remember reading the posts about how I was on your mind.. how you found yourself searching for me. It didn't make any sense to me because I felt that you had already slowly started to erase what you felt for me. I used that pain to make me stronger and to let you go. I told you I wanted the rest of my things back and I said I wanted to speak to you in person, one last time. You knew what was coming. You knew it was closure. I needed it for myself because I needed you to know how I felt. I love you and always will, but at that point in time I knew I had to let go. At that point in time I wasn't sure there was any turning back for us anymore. And you knew why.. because I knew what was going on. And we both know I didn't deserve that. I gave this relationship so much more than I've given any other guy. You needed to hear it. Because I knew sooner or later you would regret letting me go. We both know that I went above and beyond for you. I put up with a lot of your shit; a lot of shit other people wouldn't deal with. I did a lot for you as well. I dug you out of so many holes. I am your rock and I have no problem with that. Like i've said countless times, everything I do for you is because I love and care for you and i'll never regret anything. And at the end of the day, all I wanted was to make you a better person. I want you to be this amazing person I know you are capable of becoming.
Now Playing -
The Script - Nothing
It's the weirdest thing, regardless of everything I knew at the time, I knew you meant everything you said when we were in Malibu. I guess I knew deep inside that whatever you felt for someone else could never overpower what you feel for me. It is wasn't just words that made me see this, it was your actions. You bluntly put it out there that you were thinking about me, knowing that the world would see it and all you said was that you didn't care. Now you tell me that you would read the things I would post and how the people around you could sense something was on your mind, or see that distant look in your eyes but you never admitted to thinking about me or checking up on me. Sigh. I can still see that look in your eyes when you hugged me and told me you've missed me so much. You couldn't fight the feeling anymore.
So many times I tried pulling away, attempting to be your friend like you asked me to and the moment I tried, you asked why I was acting that way. I remember how weird you reacted when I ask for all my stuff back, as if I had any reason to be at your house anymore. I remember even asking you if we could be "fuck buddies" lol yeah, that sent you over the top. But now you know why I did it. I needed to know you didn't just want me around for that. I also think about when you brought me around your friends. I understand my place and I know i'm not your girl. Yet you didn't mind showing affection towards me in front of them. You came over, hugged and kissed me.
So here we are, after everything. I sit here and ask myself why you asked me to be with you again.. especially because it was so soon. it was a week after Christmas, and even though at the time I felt we were back to being "us" there was still things I didn't understand. At the moment I thought it was all that beer talking, i also thought it was because you don't want someone else coming in and taking me away from you. It's never a dull moment with you. You went from being pissed off at me in the car because of that stupid comment I made with Juan, to wanting me back. Maybe it was my comment that set you off. Because you never want to see me with anyone else. I understand that FIRST hand. when I was ready to say yes, because that moment is what I spent 2 months waiting for... it brought me back to what I need you to work on and what you are searching for. You said you wanted to chase me, like you did when we met, and just like back then, you need to earn me. We are completely back at square one.. where we continue to act like a couple but we have yet to make it official. You know where this is headed and you know we will be back together in time. I know one of your reasons why you changed your mind is because there is no point in fighting the inevitable, which is true. And you said that whatever we need to work on, we could work on together, which is partly true. But it takes the fun out of having you chase me. I meant it when I said you need to win me back. I'm not going to make it easy for you this time.
Now playing-
OneRepublic - Secrets
I know this time apart helped you see all the mistakes you made while we were together. I know that when you thought about all the fighting and arguing, you just saw the surface. You finally had enough time to see the core of so many of our problems. I never let you down. I always came through for you, but you never did the same for me. You finally see that and you tell me that things will be different this time. You won't forget Valentines Day this time, you will make year anniversaries special, and you'll treat me the way i deserved to be treated.
I guess what I needed from you more than anything was for you to recognize your mistakes and take fault for them. Regret it all because now its so hard to put the pieces back together. You've always been the type of person to say that no one makes you do anything you don't want to do. That means that everything that happened was your choice. I understand that everything that happened in a sense wasn't cheating, but it doesn't change the fact that I never completely walked out the picture. The longest we went without speaking or seeing each other was 2 WEEKS! And every time i walked back into the picture it was the same thing. We messed around, we talked, you told me you loved me and didn't want to lose me.. but it didn't change the fact that you wanted to be "alone." I know I said I wouldn't wait for you, and yet at the end of it all I found myself doing exactly that.. waiting.
Now Playing-
Adele - Set Fire to the Rain
I remember the day I told you I was done and this was it for us. I told you that I would forgive you in time but that it wasn't going to be easy.. that if we were truly meant to be, we will. I remember how angry you were, you just wanted me to leave but i know that look better than anyone. You forget that I know when your hiding something. You wanted to hide your emotions with anger.. until you finally gave into them. And it was in that moment when you let your emotions run down your face that I knew you loved me. It reminded me of the first time you let them come down your cheeks. I know you well enough to know that tears speak so much louder than words from you.
I remember that Sunday when I told you to let me be strong; let me heal. I needed to stand up for myself and tell it to you how it was, that I cried and felt so much pain while you were gone and you refused to give into that pain and hurt. You disguised all your feelings and found ways to fill that void because you didn't want to give me to missing me and needing me.
I remember that look in your eyes, that look that has always spoken your heart to me, sigh.. you hugged me and told me not to go, not to leave... Until you finally understood my point of view. It was selfish of me but I needed you to feel that pain of not having me.. and I knew you had no one to fill that void anymore. You couldn't disguise your feelings.
You reached a point where you love me so much more than before. Call me stupid, but I believe you. But at the same time you know I haven't completely given in to my heart. My mind sometimes overpowers what I feel for you. Every moment spent together, every smile, every kiss, it seems to help my mind and heart meet to an agreement. So all I can do is give it time.
Your heart in your words:
http://mrxandy.wordpress.com/
