Saturday, December 24, 2011

4 years ago...

I still remember the day I found out what you were doing behind my back. I remember it like it was yesterday. I couldn't believe you were cheating on me with someone I thought was my friend. I remember sitting in the kitchen with you the next morning, trying to sort out my feelings and wondering where we went wrong. We were moving in together. We had our own apartment. I couldn't understand why this was happening now.

Time went by and I just grew to hate you for what you did to me. You dropped me like I meant nothing to you. She moved in 2 weeks after I moved out.

I went on with my life hating every guy on the planet because of what you did to me. I cared for no one but myself. I hurt so many guys and led so many of them on because I just couldn't allow myself to fall for anyone. I guess it was out of fear that I would get hurt. I went on feeling like all guys would be the same and that at some point I would just get hurt again.

You couldn't even begin to imagine the anger and pain I felt. I was so bitter. I think half of the time I only dated guys long enough so I could be the one to drop them before they dropped me. I guess it was my way of making up for not letting you go when I should have. The times when I felt you were lying to me. When that chick straight up told me you guys were messing around. I didn't want to believe it. I believed you and I didn't question you. Not once. I went on believing every word you told me.

Time has finally made me strong enough to face it. My last relationship didn't work because I couldn't trust. I finally grew strong enough to face you and ask why.. why you cheated on me? what did I do to drive you away?

Not much to my surprise it was my own fault. I drove you away and I drove you to cheat on me... because of everything I was doing behind your back. All the times you asked me who that guy was calling me and I lied and said it was no one. You turned around and went thru my phone when I wasn't looking. The sad thing about it all was that when I finally stopped cheating on you, you decided to do it to me. It became this game where we kept going back and forth.

Sigh I can't blame anyone but myself. You were driven by suspicion to do what you did. I guess in the end karma came back and bit me in the ass twice as hard. I learned from it. Even though I was faithful in my last relationship, it never stopped me from worrying if he would remain faithful to me. I guess what I really worried about was someone else coming in and taking him away from me like she did with you. She took you away from me. And that became my biggest fear. Having someone better than me coming and taking the person I love away because I was no longer good enough.

I can't blame anyone but myself now. I finally was able to face you and now I face the reality that I drove you away. I still think about who you were before all this happened. The most loving and caring person I've met. You would've done anything for me. And I can't hate you anymore for what you did because I deserved it.

You made me a better person now. A faithful person. And a trusting girlfriend in my future relationships. So I guess this is thank you. And sorry at the same time. For hurting you. And now that we both put everything out in the open, I can finally say i've closed this chapter in my life. I care for you and I love you as a person. I'm happy that after everything we can let go of our past and be friends again.