Monday, December 26, 2011

Faith


Sigh I know you love me and you never stopped. It isn't because you repeat to me all the time, but because of the fact that you tell me you're scared of losing me indefinitely. You wanna try again when you're in a better place in your life and I understand the reasons why you need to be alone to accomplish those things. I believe you when you say that I’m right for you and that you'll try and find all these qualities in other females and you won't find them.. and that it will lead you back to me. Lol I've screwed you up for life because you won't find anyone that's the same.. words from your mouth. Sad but true.
I know that no one understands you like I do. But I guess I need you to go out and meet a lot of the wrong girls in order to be able to appreciate me. You took me for granted. And feeling like you've lost me will help you learn how to love me better. I tried so many times to do more for you in hopes that you would do the same for me.. but you never did. I always felt like I was doing so much more for you than you were doing for me. I can't make excuses for you anymore.. but I trust your word that you'll be back one day and love me the way I deserved to be loved.

You've made it clear to me that you feel I’m your Mrs. right.. but we both know that I’m not Mrs. right now. And in a weird way I just learned to accept that. I guess it's a sense of feeling that we'll find each other one day when we're both ready for that kind of commitment.

Right now.. things are just so complicated. We go from not speaking for 2 weeks, to running back to each other and acting like nothings changed.. Its so weird that one minute I feel like we're okay again and the next and I understand that we aren't together even if we act like we are.

Thank you for making this last week together memorable. listening to the waves hit the rocks, sitting on the rooftop where we spent our first summer together, and everything we talked about that night in the car.. just having you reassure me that you'll come back for me one day.. being in your arms and feeling like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. I'll carry those moments with me until you find your way back. Watching the sunset from the hill will always be special to me. And an angel was on my side that day because it was nothing but clear blue skies. The perfect moment, just standing there, overlooking the city with you.. holding me because I was cold. I'll always love those moments with you.

Spending these last few holidays with you were hard. Thanksgiving was hard because it was just so fresh and I guess in the back of my mind I felt I would never see your family again. That's what hurt the most. Feeling like I lost such a big part of my life. They made me feel like I was part of the family and it just hit me that I wasn't anymore.. and that I would probably never see them again.

Christmas... Waking up in yours arms will forever be with me. Because its one of the best feelings in the world. Wishing me a merry christmas when u opened ur eyes and found me laying next to you.. spending the day with you and your family. It's weird, they are aware of our situation and yet still asked if I was coming and accepted me with open arms. It felt like nothing changed and they were happy to see me after so long. It was the weirdest thing, you would leave the room and I didn't feel the need to have you there. I guess i've grown to be that comfortable around your family that I can be in a room with them and not need you there.

Sigh.. i'm not sure how long before we let go but I know this isnt the end of the road for us. we know where you've been the last month and a half.. confused and trying to sort your feelings.. and you found your way back to me without me having to pull you back in myself. That alone tells me you'll be back to look for me when we do part ways.