Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"In Progress.."

Now Playing -
Drake ft. Rihanna - Take care

I found myself asking how we got here again.. back to square one, where we started 3 1/2 yrs ago. Of course it isn't the same compared to when the feelings were new. Nonetheless, we are here again, trying to find a way to lock things down and make it official again. I remember the very beginning, how you didn't want to just be about the physical things, YOU wanted to make it official and I was scared to. Funny how we find ourselves in a similar situation again. At the beginning of this break up, you didn't want to try and fix it anymore, you gave up on it. Now you find yourself wanting to be with me and only me and I, once again, find myself not ready for it yet. I guess I feel so much happened during the 2 months we were broken up, and even though I've forgiven you for it, I can't say i've completely put it behind me like you have. I know you hate when I ask questions or bring it up. I can tell you are beyond done with the topic but I needed to understand what brought us back here.

I remember reading the posts about how I was on your mind.. how you found yourself searching for me. It didn't make any sense to me because I felt that you had already slowly started to erase what you felt for me. I used that pain to make me stronger and to let you go. I told you I wanted the rest of my things back and I said I wanted to speak to you in person, one last time. You knew what was coming. You knew it was closure. I needed it for myself because I needed you to know how I felt. I love you and always will, but at that point in time I knew I had to let go. At that point in time I wasn't sure there was any turning back for us anymore. And you knew why.. because I knew what was going on. And we both know I didn't deserve that. I gave this relationship so much more than I've given any other guy. You needed to hear it. Because I knew sooner or later you would regret letting me go. We both know that I went above and beyond for you. I put up with a lot of your shit; a lot of shit other people wouldn't deal with. I did a lot for you as well. I dug you out of so many holes. I am your rock and I have no problem with that. Like i've said countless times, everything I do for you is because I love and care for you and i'll never regret anything. And at the end of the  day, all I wanted was to make you a better person. I want you to be this amazing person I know you are capable of becoming.

Now Playing -
The Script - Nothing

It's the weirdest thing, regardless of everything I knew at the time, I knew you meant everything you said when we were in Malibu. I guess I knew deep inside that whatever you felt for someone else could never overpower what you feel for me. It is wasn't just words that made me see this, it was your actions. You bluntly put it out there that you were thinking about me, knowing that the world would see it and all you said was that you didn't care. Now you tell me that you would read the things I would post and how the people around you could sense something was on your mind, or see that distant look in your eyes but you never admitted to thinking about me or checking up on me. Sigh. I can still see that look in your eyes when you hugged me and told me you've missed me so much. You couldn't fight the feeling anymore.

 So many times I tried pulling away, attempting to be your friend like you asked  me to and the moment I tried, you asked why I was acting that way. I remember how weird you reacted when I ask for all my stuff back, as if I had any reason to be at your house anymore. I remember even asking you if we could be "fuck buddies" lol yeah, that sent you over the top. But now you know why I did it. I needed to know you didn't just want me around for that. I also think about when you brought me around your friends. I understand my place and I know i'm not your girl. Yet you didn't mind showing affection towards me in front of them. You came over, hugged and kissed me.

So here we are, after everything. I sit here and ask myself why you asked me to be with you again.. especially because it was so soon. it was a week after Christmas, and even though at the time I felt we were back to being "us" there was still things I didn't understand. At the moment I thought it was all that beer talking, i also thought it was because you don't want someone else coming in and taking me away from you. It's never a dull moment with you. You went from being pissed off at me in the car because of that stupid comment I made with Juan, to wanting me back. Maybe it was my comment that set you off. Because you never want to see me with anyone else. I understand that FIRST hand. when I was ready to say yes, because that moment is what I spent 2 months waiting for... it brought me back to what I need you to work on and what you are searching for. You said you wanted to chase me, like you did when we met, and just like back then, you need to earn me. We are completely back at square one.. where we continue to act like a couple but we have yet to make it official. You know where this is headed and you know we will be back together in time. I know one of your reasons why you changed your mind is because there is no point in fighting the inevitable, which is true. And you said that whatever we need to work on, we could work on together, which is partly true. But it takes the fun out of having you chase me. I meant it when I said you need to win me back. I'm not going to make it easy for you this time.

Now playing-
OneRepublic - Secrets

I know this time apart helped you see all the mistakes you made while we were together. I know that when you thought about all the fighting and arguing, you just saw the surface. You finally had enough time to see the core of so many of our problems. I never let you down. I always came through for you, but you never did the same for me. You finally see that and you tell me that things will be different this time. You won't forget Valentines Day this time, you will make year anniversaries special, and you'll treat me the way i deserved to be treated.

I guess what I needed from you more than anything was for you to recognize your mistakes and take fault for them. Regret it all because now its so hard to put the pieces back together. You've always been the type of person to say that no one makes you do anything you don't want to do. That means that everything that happened was your choice. I understand that everything that happened in a sense wasn't cheating, but it doesn't change the fact that I never completely walked out the picture. The longest we went without speaking or seeing each other was 2 WEEKS! And every time i walked back into the picture it was the same thing. We messed around, we talked, you told me you loved me and didn't want to lose me.. but it didn't change the fact that you wanted to be "alone." I know I said I wouldn't wait for you, and yet at the end of it all I found myself doing exactly that.. waiting.

Now Playing-
Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

I remember the day I told you I was done and this was it for us. I told you that I would forgive you in time but that it wasn't going to be easy.. that if we were truly meant to be, we will. I remember how angry you were, you just wanted me to leave but i know that look better than anyone. You forget that I know when your hiding something. You wanted to hide your emotions with anger.. until you finally gave into them. And it was in that moment when you let your emotions run down your face that I knew you loved me. It reminded me of the first time you let them come down your cheeks. I know you well enough to know that tears speak so much louder than words from you.

I remember that Sunday when I told you to let me be strong; let me heal. I needed to stand up for myself and tell it to you how it was, that I cried and felt so much pain while you were gone and you refused to give into that pain and hurt. You disguised all your feelings and found ways to fill that void because you didn't want to give me to missing me and needing me.

I remember that look in your eyes, that look that has always spoken your heart to me, sigh.. you hugged me and told me not to go, not to leave... Until you finally understood my point of view. It was selfish of me but I needed you to feel that pain of not having me.. and I knew you had no one to fill that void anymore. You couldn't disguise your feelings.

You reached a point where you love me so much more than before. Call me stupid, but I believe you. But at the same time you know I haven't completely given in to my heart. My mind sometimes overpowers what I feel for you. Every moment spent together, every smile, every kiss, it seems to help my mind and heart meet to an agreement. So all I can do is give it time.

Your heart in your words:

Monday, December 26, 2011


Sigh I know you love me and you never stopped. It isn't because you repeat to me all the time, but because of the fact that you tell me you're scared of losing me indefinitely. You wanna try again when you're in a better place in your life and I understand the reasons why you need to be alone to accomplish those things. I believe you when you say that I’m right for you and that you'll try and find all these qualities in other females and you won't find them.. and that it will lead you back to me. Lol I've screwed you up for life because you won't find anyone that's the same.. words from your mouth. Sad but true.
I know that no one understands you like I do. But I guess I need you to go out and meet a lot of the wrong girls in order to be able to appreciate me. You took me for granted. And feeling like you've lost me will help you learn how to love me better. I tried so many times to do more for you in hopes that you would do the same for me.. but you never did. I always felt like I was doing so much more for you than you were doing for me. I can't make excuses for you anymore.. but I trust your word that you'll be back one day and love me the way I deserved to be loved.

You've made it clear to me that you feel I’m your Mrs. right.. but we both know that I’m not Mrs. right now. And in a weird way I just learned to accept that. I guess it's a sense of feeling that we'll find each other one day when we're both ready for that kind of commitment.

Right now.. things are just so complicated. We go from not speaking for 2 weeks, to running back to each other and acting like nothings changed.. Its so weird that one minute I feel like we're okay again and the next and I understand that we aren't together even if we act like we are.

Thank you for making this last week together memorable. listening to the waves hit the rocks, sitting on the rooftop where we spent our first summer together, and everything we talked about that night in the car.. just having you reassure me that you'll come back for me one day.. being in your arms and feeling like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. I'll carry those moments with me until you find your way back. Watching the sunset from the hill will always be special to me. And an angel was on my side that day because it was nothing but clear blue skies. The perfect moment, just standing there, overlooking the city with you.. holding me because I was cold. I'll always love those moments with you.

Spending these last few holidays with you were hard. Thanksgiving was hard because it was just so fresh and I guess in the back of my mind I felt I would never see your family again. That's what hurt the most. Feeling like I lost such a big part of my life. They made me feel like I was part of the family and it just hit me that I wasn't anymore.. and that I would probably never see them again.

Christmas... Waking up in yours arms will forever be with me. Because its one of the best feelings in the world. Wishing me a merry christmas when u opened ur eyes and found me laying next to you.. spending the day with you and your family. It's weird, they are aware of our situation and yet still asked if I was coming and accepted me with open arms. It felt like nothing changed and they were happy to see me after so long. It was the weirdest thing, you would leave the room and I didn't feel the need to have you there. I guess i've grown to be that comfortable around your family that I can be in a room with them and not need you there.

Sigh.. i'm not sure how long before we let go but I know this isnt the end of the road for us. we know where you've been the last month and a half.. confused and trying to sort your feelings.. and you found your way back to me without me having to pull you back in myself. That alone tells me you'll be back to look for me when we do part ways.  

Saturday, December 24, 2011

4 years ago...

I still remember the day I found out what you were doing behind my back. I remember it like it was yesterday. I couldn't believe you were cheating on me with someone I thought was my friend. I remember sitting in the kitchen with you the next morning, trying to sort out my feelings and wondering where we went wrong. We were moving in together. We had our own apartment. I couldn't understand why this was happening now.

Time went by and I just grew to hate you for what you did to me. You dropped me like I meant nothing to you. She moved in 2 weeks after I moved out.

I went on with my life hating every guy on the planet because of what you did to me. I cared for no one but myself. I hurt so many guys and led so many of them on because I just couldn't allow myself to fall for anyone. I guess it was out of fear that I would get hurt. I went on feeling like all guys would be the same and that at some point I would just get hurt again.

You couldn't even begin to imagine the anger and pain I felt. I was so bitter. I think half of the time I only dated guys long enough so I could be the one to drop them before they dropped me. I guess it was my way of making up for not letting you go when I should have. The times when I felt you were lying to me. When that chick straight up told me you guys were messing around. I didn't want to believe it. I believed you and I didn't question you. Not once. I went on believing every word you told me.

Time has finally made me strong enough to face it. My last relationship didn't work because I couldn't trust. I finally grew strong enough to face you and ask why.. why you cheated on me? what did I do to drive you away?

Not much to my surprise it was my own fault. I drove you away and I drove you to cheat on me... because of everything I was doing behind your back. All the times you asked me who that guy was calling me and I lied and said it was no one. You turned around and went thru my phone when I wasn't looking. The sad thing about it all was that when I finally stopped cheating on you, you decided to do it to me. It became this game where we kept going back and forth.

Sigh I can't blame anyone but myself. You were driven by suspicion to do what you did. I guess in the end karma came back and bit me in the ass twice as hard. I learned from it. Even though I was faithful in my last relationship, it never stopped me from worrying if he would remain faithful to me. I guess what I really worried about was someone else coming in and taking him away from me like she did with you. She took you away from me. And that became my biggest fear. Having someone better than me coming and taking the person I love away because I was no longer good enough.

I can't blame anyone but myself now. I finally was able to face you and now I face the reality that I drove you away. I still think about who you were before all this happened. The most loving and caring person I've met. You would've done anything for me. And I can't hate you anymore for what you did because I deserved it.

You made me a better person now. A faithful person. And a trusting girlfriend in my future relationships. So I guess this is thank you. And sorry at the same time. For hurting you. And now that we both put everything out in the open, I can finally say i've closed this chapter in my life. I care for you and I love you as a person. I'm happy that after everything we can let go of our past and be friends again.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Both sides of the story.

I remember the beginning like it was yesterday. You were so deeply into me. It scared me. I remember the first time you looked me in the eyes and said, "I think i'm falling in love with you." I thought, "This kid is INSANE" lol true story. But time past and we did fall in love. But not everything was perfect. We encountered a lot of road bumps. I still remember all the special occasions that never happened because you didn't care enough to make them special. Although they were long ago, I still havent forgotten.

More recently you've had to deal with my troubles from my past. I know that I should let my past be exactly that; the past. But in the end, I still haven't grown strong enough to get passed that stage in my life. That is a chapter in my book that I haven't completely ended. I know it's so unfair that you have to mend a heart that you didn't break. You've witness me completely lose all sanity because of it. I still remember the day I broke down. I told you that I was still hurt, that I can't trust anyone.. No one. Not even you. Sigh. I know you asked me not to do this. I know you say it isn't true but I will always blame myself because I feel I pushed you away.

sigh. we've been far from a perfect relationship. You've done things that even to this day i say to myself, "why did i forgive him for that?!" But i stop and think to myself, "Elvira, you aren't perfect either." I know all my friends have heard my side of the story. I think it's time everyone knows both sides.

I might be the most insecure person you know. I remember asking you to delete you ex girlfriend from facebook because it made me feel weird. I hated the fact that all her half naked pictures showed up on your feed. I swear I wanted to throw your laptop out the window sometimes. I hated that she was so much prettier than me. It eats me alive. It reminds of my ex. How he left me for someone that was better than me. sigh And i remember all the co-workers whose numbers I made you delete because of conversations you had that I didn't approve of. Really?! you don't tell your friends you love them. YOU JUST DONT! see.. never gonna let that one go. lol

I guess I was asking for that one. I am the one that digs and digs through your phone until I find dirt. lol funny thing about it all, you never once went through mine. Not even after all those numbers I made you delete. I thought, "he's gonna asked me to stop talking to every guy i've hooked up with" but not even then did you tell me that. you never questioned me. You never even bothered to dig through my stuff. I've given you complete access to all my social networks and even then, you don't go through them. I have to give it to you. I know a lot of people that would've used that to their advantage.

At the beginning of all of this you told me you needed space. You told me that you needed time for yourself. I wanted to see your point of view. You dedicated 3 years to just me. Not your friends or your cousins. Just me. You never broke plans with me to hang out with your friends. Even if we were doing absolutely nothing all day. You were happy just being with me.

I admit, I was selfish. I was upset when you recently started going out with your friends. I didn't bother hiding it. I made it clear to you that I was upset. I know I said you were free to do what you wanted, but you also knew you'd come back to angry girlfriend. So i said i would respect your decision and i would let you go out and live life.

I know that when i give my side of the story, i always play the victim. I guess that's normal. I try finding ways of making myself the one that's losing. the one that's hurt. I go so far as to dig some more, just to prove to myself that you're lying to me. This.. whatever this is right now. I told myself that you found someone else. The first girl that popped in the picture. I was all over it. I questioned you and went through everything i could find in order to find out what was really going on. yes, i know i'm crazy. yes, i am digging through everything. Like i said, I wanted answers and you kept hiding things from me. It didn't matter that this chick didn't fit your usual type. She was a chick. period.

We both know I have major trust issues. maybe the world doesn't see that but you do. You know it better than anyone. Every other conversation was me asking who she was and what she wanted. Every other comment was, "you're moving on" "your replacing me" "you're leading me on." I had living proof that you didn't respond to her comments and even then I didn't believe you.

I lost sight of what this break up was truly about. It's about you growing up. I ignored the fact that you were hurting without me in the picture. I ignored the fact that you can't function any better than me without each other. I ignored all those things you said about being afraid of losing me. I ignored the fact that you wanted me around as much as possible. All I saw was this chick that wouldn't get off your nuts. I didn't bother to see that you didn't feel the same for her. That you were hanging on to me the whole time. I ignored the fact that you still aren't completely sure of what you want; your freedom or me.

sigh. I know a lot of times I make it seem like everything you and I had was bad. That everything u ever did was wrong. That you never did anything good for me. In the end, you helped me grow. You told me that I could have whatever I wanted in life. To pursue my dreams of going into the film world. I was too scared to do it on my own but you told me that you believed in me and pushed me to take that extra step toward my dreams. I am a million time thankful for that.

Just dealing with my insecurities is hard enough. My jealousy at its best. You dealt with all of that. You dealt with me being controlling. You couldn't buy me all the material things i wanted but you repaid me with all your time and love. I had your full attention for 3 years. I think it's only fair that you focus on making yourself a better person now that you've made me a little better than i was 3 years ago....

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Beginning

Not really sure where to start. I've had the desire to start a blog for a long time, not really to follow people on here.. more for myself. I have this consist feeling that I bottle up so many emotions and thoughts. I need a way to free myself from them. I guess i'll give this a try.

It's 1:16 a.m. and i'm not even yawning yet. Hard to believe considering I woke up early for class and went to work this afternoon. I have to admit, today was a great day. I don't think my kids have ever been so well behaved. I was speechless. I'll definitely need to take them a treat for tomorrow. They really earned it. =]

Sigh. I should be studying for my Sociology exam on Tuesday but I can't seem to get myself to focus. I haven't had that problem in so long, I don't even remember how to fight it. I can't blame it on being tired because i've had a lot of rest the last few days since Andrew is in Mammoth.

Since studying is obviously not going to get done tonight, maybe i should call it a night and get some sleep.

- V